Wah. Poor me.

Okay. It's official. I've been a major grump the last couple of days. I'm trying to stay positive. I really am. All in all, I think I've done a damn good job of it, too. The fatigue/lack of sleep is annoying. I did take the Ambien on Thursday night and it was basically a non-event. Nothing crazy. Nothing inappropriate. I slept like a normal person. I'm afraid to take it more frequently, but I'm glad it worked on chemo day.

I'm going to list my chief complaints (in no particular order) - and I realize that I will sound like a whiney crybaby, but dammit, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want, right?

1. The fatigue/lack of sleep. I've covered this above. Imagine being awake 36 hours straight - but all the time. Most of the time I'm okay, but all of a sudden, I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. It's exhaustion that smacks me in the chops with a 2x4. I know it will continue to get worse and I do try to snooze when I can, but I've faced the fact that feeling "normal" is a luxury I won't have for quite some time.

2. My HAIR - or lack thereof. I was more than ready to hack it off. It was fun to rock the 'hawk. It was liberating to buzz it. I now have a pretty rash that itches like a motherfucker and it's all broken out. What am I - 12? I realize that it's likely a side effect from the chemo coupled with the fact that it's really never been exposed to well, anything, and now it's been all touched and rubbed. (Heh, heh.) It still gets sore from my follicles opening up. I just want to be bald but I can't use a damn razor for fear of nicks and potential infection. For the love of God... I read today that some people have used a lint roller at this stage to help remove the stubbly nubs. I am SO doing that later! I wore a scarf today that made me look oddly like Little Steven. NOT cute. At all.

3. Weight gain. Look, I realize that it's fruitless to be vain right now. I know that this steroid is the asshat of a culprit here, but geez... I'm pretty sure I could pass for a 5-month pregnant woman. With no hair. And BIGGER BOOBS. Seriously? I do not feel pretty or feminine in any way. Yes, I feel strong and empowered, but definitely a frump, too. I've noticed that my eyebrows are thinning. My Uncle Fester look is nearly complete.

4. Bloody nose. With all this hair loss, I'm also losing the hair in my nose, which means that my sinuses are especially susceptible. I'm not normally prone to bloody noses - in fact, I've never had a gushing flow come out of my schnoz. When I blow it now - look out. Yuck. I also have a runny nose most of the time - again, because of the lack of hair. I've asked Matt and the girls to check periodically and let me know if it's blood starting to run out. Isn't that fun?

5. Chemo Brain. This seems silly, but it's a real phenomenon. I liken it to the sieve brain that many experience after having kids, but foggier, I guess. I lose my train of thought easily and can't recall simple words or names or whatever. It takes me longer to dig through the old school DOS recesses of my brain right now.

6. Did I mention the fatigue?

There. I'm done. I know this stuff isn't that bad and I count my blessings each day that it isn't worse. It's just all at once and I still have no idea what will happen any given week. Things I could still encounter with this particular chemo? Losing my fingernails/toenails. Neuropathy (tingling/burning sensation in your hands/feet). Mouth sores. Muscle/bone aches. Vomiting. Diarrhea. Let's not forget heart failure or getting cancer from the chemo. What the fuck?

Sigh... I feel better. Thanks for listening. I told you it was real and no holds barred. I can't sugar coat this. Cancer is a fucking bastard that I'd love to kick square in the taco. Well, wait. If it's a 'bastard', it likely won't have a 'taco', but work with me here.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully, I'll be a bit less crabby...