Happy Saturday!

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up feeling much better than I expected to. Oddly enough, I think that all the premeds actually helped to kick some sinus infection ass, too. My ears had been ringing since prior to treatment on Thursday and I hoped that would pass soon. As the day progressed, my port site became swollen and sore. The skin around it - that had been red and itchy from the tape - was healing well, but the actual incision was worrying me. I didn't have a fever and am already on antibiotics, but it didn't stop me from being complelely paranoid about it. "What if my body rejects this thing?" was at the top of my worry list. Matt got me an ice pack and I chilled (literally and figuratively) while we watched a movie. (If you must know, it was the remake of "Fright Night". Not great. Amusing. Moving right along...)

I slept fairly well, which is a rarity these days between stress and being sick and just uncomfortable in general. Our big plans for today were to go to a wig shop that a friend had recommended. When I got up, I felt a bit nauseated, which, quite honestly, pissed me off. I hoped this round wouldn't bother me like that and after only two days? Come on! That's not very tough of me! It wasn't enough to sideline me (well, except for a few mad dashes) and I could continue with my day. I was bound and determined not to need any of the anti-nausea medicine that I was prescribed. Sure, I'll take it when I really need it, but mind over matter, baby...

While I was getting ready to take a shower, I ran my hand through my hair and a bunch of strands came out, too. Now, keep in mind that I do have thick hair and I shed like a golden retriever, but this wasn't like that. It wasn't a clump, but enough to smack an expected, but certainly not wanted, reality in my face. I am officially losing my hair. When I was pregnant with the girls - especially Hannah - I lost hair around my temples. It wasn't enough that anyone would really notice, but I obviously did. It didn't stress me out but I thought it was strange and figured it would grow back, which it did. What I experienced today was not unlike that - but the fast track version. What I didn't expect at all was my reaction. I cried. I laughed AND cried. I knew this was going to happen, dammit, so why the tears???

I've always said that once that happened that I'd shave it right away. I don't want to be traumatized by watching my hair come out in patches. I'm not at that point yet, but I know that it's likely only a matter of weeks before it's gone. I'll enjoy my short, sassy 'do for a little bit and will make plans to buzz it off. (Side note: the girls want me to go for a mohawk before I take it all off. I'll happily oblige and of course, will take pics!)

All four of us went to the wig shop. I told the girls that we may want to make this a silly, lighthearted visit, but there may be others there that are not interested in being silly and we have to be respectful of that. (Was I saying that for my own benefit? Perhaps...) Maddie's first words as we walked up? "Mom, this place is creepy with all those heads!" Ha. She was right.

The woman that helped me was very friendly but I really don't think that she appreciated my brand of humor. Go figure. I definitely didn't make fun of anything and wasn't rude or inappropriate BUT I also wasn't downtrodden or sad or serious. Not by a long stretch. She pointed out a variety of styles and I said to just go for it. I was open to trying anything.

I sat in a beauty salon-style chair in front of a mirror and the first wig she tried on me looked a bit too much like Kris Jenner. You know - the Kardashian sisters' mom. Oh, HELL no. It was a lovely wig but not on me and I looked a good ten years older. The girls and Matt gave me kinda cockeyed grins and I suggested that we try another; that it was maybe too short for me. Put that one on the NOOOOO list.

The seccond wig was about the same length and style as my hair was prior to my cut last week. Interestingly enough, the color was nearly spot on, too. Matt and the girls really liked it. "It's YOU!" was their unanimous response. Sold! I set it aside so that I could be sure and tried on others. I tried on a short bob that was very cute but also made me look older and a longer version of the one that I liked. It was fun, but not really me. I got the wig, plus wig shampoo and spray and a stand, which set me back about $350. My insurance should cover most, if not all, of that cost of the wig itself. She tried to talk me into buying two - so I could rotate, but I really don't believe that I'll be wearing it that often. It is a synthetic wig rather than a human hair wig. She said that real hair lasts longer, but the cap inside can wear out at the same rate either way. Wait. Back up. I'm actually talking about buying a WIG. For MY head. I'm the one that was once told by someone cutting my hair, "You have enough hair for a small villiage, don't you?!" Ugh. Such is life. in the grand scheme of things happening, this really is the least of my stressors, but it's still shitty.

I may be silly and joke a lot but I'm still trying to understand what's happening. I'm pissed. I feel like I did something to deserve this somehow. I wonder what I should have done differently to avoid it. I realize that stuff doesn't matter at this point, but it's just how my mind works. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Not at all. I want to raise awareness and give some shred of insight into my world in the hopes that someone can relate or will go to the doctor when they may not have otherwise. So many friends and family members have told me about their mammogram appointments that they've recently made and that's the best part ever. I hope to stay the same goofy, obnoxious, kinda (or very) inappropriate Nancy that I've always been but will just look a bit different.

I love my friends and family. You guys will keep me sane. xoxo