Debbie Downers need not apply...

I have the Sunday night grumpies. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'd rather just stay home and sleep alllll day long. This past week has certainly had it's ups and downs.

 Chemo went well on Thursday, but my fatigue has really been powerful - particularly yesterday. My sister, Jenny, came in for the weekend to visit. It was really a great visit. We had fun and laughed a lot - along with the serious conversations. She and the girls cooked several meals to freeze, which was wonderful as well. I really wish that we lived closer and could have more time like we had this weekend. We had gone to run some errands yesterday and the exhaustion kicked me in the teeth suddenly and without warning. It's almost painful to feel that way. Oddly, it doesn't always mean that I'm sleepy or that I'll even sleep even if I AM sleepy. It feels as though every last drop of energy has been pulled out of me by some super magnet. I catch a second or even a third or fourth wind but I get that damn sucker punch again and again. Saturday was - hands down - the most fatigued I've been in the five weeks since I started chemo. I can't help but think that I'm not even a third of the way through my overall chemo. How will I be in another few months? Unable to move? Incapacitated? Is this the worst I'll get and plateau? I keep telling myself, "You're tougher than this. You can do it!" I know it'll get far worse and I should be able to handle this part. Right?

My head is still a hot mess. I already feel like a cow and unfeminine in every way but now I have the creeping crud, too. I've gotten many suggestions but I'm just tired of trying stuff. I find myself jealous of people with smooth, shiny heads. I want one of those, too! Sure, it's about the vanity - but not the baldness itself. I think of scraping my scalp with a wire brush and I literally shudder from the thought. Not because it might hurt - but because it might feel so AWESOME. Is that wrong? It also seems to be growing back on my head but continuing to fall out everywhere else. (Yes, think comb-over. Ew.) The hair loss is still more amusing than anything else to me. (Other than my strange obsession with wanting to go all Mommy Dearest on my scalp.)

As much as I don't want to be a cancer "victim" and let it define me, that's exactly what's happening. I can't think of much else. It's hard not to worry about what's still to come and how I'll manage. I'm as tired of talking about it as I'm sure people are sick of hearing about it and I'm only a month into treatment! I can't ignore the bald, pink-clad elephant in the room so I feel the need to joke or comment on it ALL THE TIME. I don't want people to feel awkward, so maybe if I break the ice first, they'll be more at ease with it. I know it's okay to just shut the fuck up. I need a hobby. Macrame', anyone?

What they say is true - things like this really show people's true colors. I've said it before; I'm very thankful and so humbled by the support that I've gotten. You people have helped me to stay strong. There have also been a few situations of people that have faded back and don't say much these days. I do understand that it can be uncomfortable and people don't always know how to react. I can't say that it doesn't sting a bit. I can't stress over that, though. I need the positive vibes and prayers and thoughts right now. I need all I can get.

I'm really not being very happy or silly or funny tonight, and I apologize. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm in a bad mood, but I'm definitely introspective right now. My life has forever changed and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I've stopped reading crap on the internet unless it's to see if some funky new thing happening to my body is a reaction to the chemo or just me getting old or what. I really have stayed largely upbeat and know that there's always a worse situation to be in. I can't stress it enough - life is too short. I want to enjoy every moment and savor those things that make me happy and laugh and smile. If those things also make me pee a little from laughing, then extra bonus points. I don't have time for negativity or things that will bring me down. (My GOD. Who am I - Miss Texas? What's next? My hopes for world peace?)

My new mantra is "Tomorrow is a new day". Tomorrow will be a good day. I will laugh and love and fight. Anything else is gravy.

'Night...