Today, I had my first mammogram/ultrasound on my left breast since all the fun started on my Frankenboob side. My annual exam wasn't actually due until next month; however, I had found a small pea-sized lump.
My first reaction was annoyance. "Give me a fucking break" just may have been uttered out loud. I waited for a few days. I didn't tell anyone. Not even Matt. I know I'm prone to lumpiness and I was 99.9% sure this wasn't anything to worry about. Finally, common sense got the best of me and I sucked it up and made an appointment. I hate to feel like a hypochondriac and, while I definitely didn't want something to be wrong, I felt like I was maybe over-reacting.
The mammogram actually pinched more than usual today. I'm not sure if it's maybe because my skin around the expander isn't the same now and there's less give or what. That was a non-event otherwise and shortly thereafter, I was ushered into the ultrasound room.
This tech wasn't the most pleasant woman. Side note: I get that people have bad days but crabby people that deal with the public? No bueno. Anyway... She felt around and as soon as I looked at the monitor, my heart rate increased and my eyes welled up. I wasn't afraid of what she would find, but I didn't realize how traumatic the last year has really been. When I was in the midst of it, it was GO GO GO... Now my brain is finally processing it. I didn't like it.
The radiologist came in and took a look around, too, and concluded that between my mammogram, the ultrasound, and prior images of that breast, I had nothing to be worried about and all was clear. I could have passed out from sheer relief.
I don't want to live my life in constant fear. I don't want to relive the last year in any way. I said earlier today: Fear is paralyzing. Relief is euphoric.
Fuck you, cancer. I hate your mind games.
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