Chemo Treatment #10: DENIED

Thursday started like all the others... I was anxious to get chemo and continue to kick this cancer bastard in the junk. My hands had gotten worse over the week - to the point that I had difficultly performing normal tasks like buttoning my shorts or hooking my bra or even writing. My thumbs were the worst. I had read about cryotherapy for neuropathy and had planned on asking my nurse if I could put my hands on ice during the infusion to see if that would help.

We got to the hospital and headed to get blood work done. I got the tech that bruised the bejeezus out of me a couple of weeks ago. She still poked me but thankfully, no bruising. Perhaps one of these days, my leg will accidentally on purpose kick her in the shin. After she puts the needle down, of course.

We proceeded up to see Dr. Nelson and hopefully get into chemo a little early. I had a quick visit with the nurse and got into my gown in preparation for Dr. Nelson. While I disrobed, Matt was kind enough to "make it rain" with 2, yes 2, one dollar bills. Wow. Way to make a girl feel special.

Dr. Nelson came in shortly thereafter and asked all the standard questions. He gave me an exam and we discussed my side effects more. He was very concerned about my hands and said, "This is pretty serious". He told me that the tingling/burning related to neuropathy is one thing, but once it impacts my ability to do things, it's
cause for concern. He told me that we were going to skip chemo this week to see if my hands improved. He was worried about long-term implications. It's generally reversible but sometimes it's not. Great. Lucky me.

I will have chemo one way or the other next week. If my hands are better, I'll have a reduced dosage of the Taxol. If not, we will stop after 9 treatments and move right to the FAC chemo. (The "bad" chemo.) Fortunately, the Taxol has been effective and did reduce the tumor by half, so stopping early won't have a negative impact. He also said that the neuropathy is a side effect of Taxol and shouldn't be an issue with FAC.

I felt completely defeated when we left. I was in tears before we made it out of the building, which is very unlike me. I want to be strong and handle all of this but clearly, my body has other plans. I was also upset that I could be starting the FAC chemo weeks earlier than I expected and it terrifies me.

Today is Saturday and my hands really aren't much different. They were very sore last night - worse than they've been so far - but today they're back to the way they've been the last several days. Nothing much helps. Massaging them and ice packs help temporarily but that's about it.

This trouble with my hands sucks but I'm glad that I haven't been sick up to this point. My side effects have been more annoying than anything else. I want to get chemo over with so that I can move on.

Keep your fingers crossed that things go well next week. I'm trying to rest in anticipation. I'm still bummed but I have to get over it and move on. I'm winning this battle - no matter what curve balls get thrown at me.

Fuck cancer.